There’s a space of about fifteen minutes between you coming out of school and Charlie coming out of school. You usually zoom off to play while I stand around talking. Friday I decided to go sit down and see what you get up to.
Sometimes you get a moment as a parent that just fills you with emotion all suddenly and Friday I had one. I watched you playing football, eager to be around the bigger kids, chasing the ball but not quite having the confidence to really engage with it. Just happy to be a part of the team. I wondered if you’d be embarrassed to see me sitting watching you but you grinned and waved at me and my heart melted a bit. Slowly even more kids joined the game, bigger more confident kids. You came and joined me, quite content to hang back and observe your peers. My little man, when did you grow up? When did you lose the chubby fingers and feet that looked like apples with toes.
I remember a few days after you were born I was standing in the bedroom rocking you and you looked up at me with such familiarity. I smiled down at you and said “We’ve been together before haven’t we?” It felt like old souls reuniting and Christ I hope you don’t read this as a teen there’ll be cries of “Muuum OMG you’re like so embarrassing” Sorry in advance sunshine.
I worry though Casp, as a Counsellor I’m horribly aware of the pains of middle child and as a Mum as much as I feel rubbish saying this I know you’ve lost me a teeny bit this year since your little brother came along.
I don’t get to play giants as much as I’d like, we’ve not had a good game of tickle test in months and we’ve only had a measly few Mummy Casper times in the last ten months too. Some nights it’s taken so long to settle your little brother that when I come to tuck you in you’re already asleep and I kiss your sleeping head and whisper Golden Slumbers to you and just hope you hear it in your dreams. OHMYGOD I’m an emotionally wreck over here now.
I also know we still have lovely times, sometimes we’ll make each other laugh over something so silly and we’ll laugh and laugh till we can’t stop and everyone else looks at us like we’ve lost the plot and then you’ll talk about it at bedtime every night for the rest of the week. Every morning at school we play spiders crawling up your back and you always win and I’m still not 100% sure you’re not a massive cheat. Nine times out of ten I do get to tuck you in and sing you golden slumbers and stroke your hand and listen to how you’re feeling and watch you do that strange head shaking thing you’ve always done before falling asleep. I hope all that’s enough for now until things settle more.
Thank you for loving on your little brother and playing with him and soothing him gently when he cries. Thank you for not resenting him, for not trying to secretly kill or maim him and thank you for sharing me with minimal fuss.
I tried to tell you all this today but your six and you had way better things to do than listen to me waffle on. You did a little grin when I told you I loved you though so that’s nice and oh how I do love you.
Casper you are charming and cheeky in equal measures. You have the sweetest gentlest nature. You make me laugh every day. You’re doing brilliant at school and have a beautiful thirst for knowledge. Please don’t stop asking questions even if Mummy does say sometimes STOP ASKING SO MANY QUESTIONS. You’re so smart kiddo and sharp as a tack. You’re kind and caring, you stood quietly outside the bathroom whilst I yacked the world up the other day then when I was done you asked if I was ok and you got me some tissue.
I couldn’t be prouder of you baby boy, I hope you know how complete and utterly loved you are.
Right up to the moon.
And back xx